I am currently stuck somewhere between "I don't wanna" and "I should" do what I need to do. It's an interesting form of resistance--I'm not confronting any major changes or having anything particularly intense or different demanded of me. No, what I'm resisting and fighting against is the urge for COMFORT.
Blame it on the weather-one day it's hot, one day it's cold, one day it's raining, one day it's...who knows what...but all of it makes me crave a certain level of comfort.
I find myself really wanting the savory sensation of eating warm, heavily spiced, hearty meals. I want cafe lattes and soy mochas that are piping hot and indulgent. I want to wear clothes that register first and foremost as comfortable.
Comfort is usually associated with soothing, in my mind. But I don't know what could use soothing. I am not hurt, sick or lonely. I'm not particularly overwhelmed. And yet, everything I do seems to be motivated by the desire to be comfortable, to relax, to not have to work as hard, all of these things.
I'm worried (there's that fear again) that this is going to become a trend. That I am going to slip further and further away from what I value--hard work, determination, innovation, experimentation, living in the now, all of those things that require you to be a little bit tough, a little bit stubborn and ok with living with things being not so comfortable or not so easy so you can make a difference.
Today is a good example of this: my car is broken down for the umpteenth time. So, yesterday I took the bus into work and rode my bike the 20 miles home. It was windy and cold and rainy but I did it. I did pretty well too.
Now, I'm an experienced cyclist so 20 miles isn't that big of a deal but the weather is definitely a force multiplier. It made it harder to motivate myself to get on the bike and get home instead of just taking a co-worker up on his offer to give me a ride home.
I'm confronted with a similar situation today. I took the bus in and I'm going to be riding home--assuming that I don't cave and call my friend to come get me. It's not raining today but it's cold out there and I just don't feel like doing it.
Should I ride home and save the carbon emissions? Yes. Will there be benefits? You betcha. It's great exercise, it's enjoyable, especially in certain areas and it's not a bad way to end the day.
But--I'm dealing with a lot of buts on this one. I have things that I'd like to do tonight and riding home takes a big chunk out of my evening. I am also feeling a little bit run down from my other exercise activities and frankly, I don't want to do it.
And thus the mental battle begins. Life isn't supposed to be easy, if you really think about it. We don't learn anything about our boundaries, our capabilities, anything if we don't push ourselves. Especially when we're whiny. If I were actually sick it would be one thing. But I'm not.
I know that unless it's really actually too cold out there to ride that I'm going to feel like a wimp or like I've let myself and other people down. Like I'm not good enough. Or whatever the sensation is--except that in my journey towards being more mindful and conscious I've been trying to digest the lessons of Tolerance, Gentleness, Patience.
But how much tolerance, gentleness and patience is too much? Where is the boundary drawn between doing what you should do and making yourself stronger and lacking mental fortitude and giving into laziness.
I don't know the answer to this question but I do know that I want to arrive at an answer or a compromise that will get me home safe and sound and will not result in any feelings, warrented or not, of guilt or inadequacy.
I'm trying to take it one moment at a time. The answer should be clear enough when I get outside.
It all just seems like an interesting parallel and a reoccurring theme in my life--the struggle between loving myself and nurturing myself and truly, truly listening to my body and what it needs and taking the easy way out.
There has to be a good solution out there and I feel like it has to start from within. I feel that it stems from being 100% confident in your decision-I have to erradicate guilt and feelings of self-worth from my playing field and really consider what I'm up against and what I'm not.
It's hard to accomplish this while I'm at work, but here goes!
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