Oh my goodness! You ever have those days/weeks/months where you just can't seem to focus on the task at hand? Welcome to the past three or so weeks of my life. It's bordering on absurdity at this point.
I don't know where it's stemming from-I have cut back on my caffeine, I've been exercising regularly-all things that are proven to keep me on track and tapped into what I'm doing. I have a feeling I could use more sleep...that's probably a pretty good factor.
Regardless-I am really hoping that I take the time to do what I know I need to do-which is sit, close my eyes, bring my attention back to my breath instead of doing all of this unconscious respirating and take a few moments to myself.
I hope everyone out there is taking the time they need for themselves-the present is our moment and every moment is the present.
Namaste.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Thoughts on Happiness
The article that I shared last week seems a bit scarce, to me in some ways, in it's analysis of what we need to let go of to be happy. That is not to say that I don't agree with the ideas put forth, they certainly aren't new ideas, however.
The idea of letting go to find happiness is a solid concept but, what are the things that we need to embrace or get a hold of?
I argue that the more we can bring into ourselves, instead of sending outside of ourselves, the happier we'll be. It's just the other side of the coin, really, but I feel like coming at it from a positive perspective of gathering, nurturing, collecting (god knows we humans love to collect), instead of putting ourselves in a mental state of "I have this evil/bad/unhappiness-conjuring thing in me that I have to expel" is more productive.
So-here are three small perspective shifts that I am trying to incorporate. Let me know what you think!
1. Instead of letting go of the need to criticize, embrace tolerance. This may sound hokey but here's the difference-our ability to discern and criticize people, situations, those ridiculous shoes or that unmanageable customer can actually be a positive thing. When it's all we rely on, however, is when it becomes a problem. We need to be able to think whollistically about a situation, which doesn't mean trying to approach everything as some other-wordly God or Goddess of Patience-it does mean looking at people and things and even *that* customer as a complete person or a complete thought instead of allowing ourselves to get carried away in the negativity. If we can embrace our Tolerance, literally open ourselves up to accept more of who a person or thing is, in the moment, whatever that means, we will find ourselves happier, calmer people. I am a naturally critical person so for me this is going to be a hard but worthwhile shift.
2. Embrace your creativity-whatever that is. When our minds and hearts are engaged in something we deem important or nurturing, we tend to be happier. It's why employees who work at jobs where their input is valued and asked for, they're happier with their jobs. It's why when we sit down to read our favorite magazine or blog that the time slips away. So, nurture the thing inside you that brings you into this state of happiness, calm and serenity. If the "same old, same old" isn't working, try something different.
3. Get in touch with and hold on to your inner Crazy. If you need help, read this article: http://www.chrismcdougall.com/blog/2012/04/who-cares-how-geronimo-died/ I'm not saying that we all have to run off and disappear into the mountains, but who knows, it might just do us some good. And it certainly would get us in touch with that raw, spacious, beautiful energy we all possess.
There are more out there but this is just the first attempt for me to try to pinpoint and define what I call "Happiness".
I look forward to your thoughts!
The idea of letting go to find happiness is a solid concept but, what are the things that we need to embrace or get a hold of?
I argue that the more we can bring into ourselves, instead of sending outside of ourselves, the happier we'll be. It's just the other side of the coin, really, but I feel like coming at it from a positive perspective of gathering, nurturing, collecting (god knows we humans love to collect), instead of putting ourselves in a mental state of "I have this evil/bad/unhappiness-conjuring thing in me that I have to expel" is more productive.
So-here are three small perspective shifts that I am trying to incorporate. Let me know what you think!
1. Instead of letting go of the need to criticize, embrace tolerance. This may sound hokey but here's the difference-our ability to discern and criticize people, situations, those ridiculous shoes or that unmanageable customer can actually be a positive thing. When it's all we rely on, however, is when it becomes a problem. We need to be able to think whollistically about a situation, which doesn't mean trying to approach everything as some other-wordly God or Goddess of Patience-it does mean looking at people and things and even *that* customer as a complete person or a complete thought instead of allowing ourselves to get carried away in the negativity. If we can embrace our Tolerance, literally open ourselves up to accept more of who a person or thing is, in the moment, whatever that means, we will find ourselves happier, calmer people. I am a naturally critical person so for me this is going to be a hard but worthwhile shift.
2. Embrace your creativity-whatever that is. When our minds and hearts are engaged in something we deem important or nurturing, we tend to be happier. It's why employees who work at jobs where their input is valued and asked for, they're happier with their jobs. It's why when we sit down to read our favorite magazine or blog that the time slips away. So, nurture the thing inside you that brings you into this state of happiness, calm and serenity. If the "same old, same old" isn't working, try something different.
3. Get in touch with and hold on to your inner Crazy. If you need help, read this article: http://www.chrismcdougall.com/blog/2012/04/who-cares-how-geronimo-died/ I'm not saying that we all have to run off and disappear into the mountains, but who knows, it might just do us some good. And it certainly would get us in touch with that raw, spacious, beautiful energy we all possess.
There are more out there but this is just the first attempt for me to try to pinpoint and define what I call "Happiness".
I look forward to your thoughts!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Intention as Transportation
I've been riding the bus a lot lately and it's beginning to turn into more than just a means to get to work.
The route I ride has it's own set of consistant passengers. There are students, business associates and casual commuters. While I have been known to take my opportunity in the early mornings to get an extra 45 minutes or so of "sleep" on the ride in to work I've also been taking my opportunity to observe people. People who really have no choice but to sit still and wait patiently for their stop.
I'm surprised by the number of riders who aren't obsessively on their phones or sending text messages. For the most part, they seem content to sit and watch the scenary roll by and, sometimes, the sun come up as we start our day in quiet.
One particular rider chooses to take his morning opportunity to mediate. I'm fascinated by him because I know that I don't quite have the gumption to openly and publicly meditate. I also don't have all the focus necessary to mediate through the dinging of stop requests, the lurching and swaying of the bus, etc. The people may be quiet but the bus sure isn't!
It's a really beautiful way to start a morning, though. And, it's just another example of how people can adapt their busy schedules and carve out that moment in Time and Space for themselves. I'm sure that he struggles internally with all the same things that most meditators struggle with but from the exterior he looks calm and serene. He doesn't fidget, twitch or give up. He just sits up straight and enjoys the ride to work lost (I imagine) in the quiet space of his mind and the moment.
I may be over-romanticising but it certainly looks like a beautiful way to spend a morning.
What do you do to take a moment for yourself during the day? Have you found a space where you can take a breath and get caught up in the present?
I am finding that even though I don't do any sort of traditional meditation on the ride in to work, the ride itself can be calming and relaxing. I don't have to worry about traffic or driving or how expensive gas is getting. I just sit back and let someone else do the work. And, I get to take that hour and nap, read, enjoy my coffee, whatever it is.
Now if they'd just let me bring some incense on the bus, I'd be set!
I'm going to leave you all with a thought from my Yoga instructor. He said that we have to strive to find our Truth and that one way of doing so is to think of ourselves and internally unfolding. He suggested visualizing a flower or, more creative and perhaps appropriate, a piece of Origami that is being unfolded from its shape to reveal a different beauty and structure.
The route I ride has it's own set of consistant passengers. There are students, business associates and casual commuters. While I have been known to take my opportunity in the early mornings to get an extra 45 minutes or so of "sleep" on the ride in to work I've also been taking my opportunity to observe people. People who really have no choice but to sit still and wait patiently for their stop.
I'm surprised by the number of riders who aren't obsessively on their phones or sending text messages. For the most part, they seem content to sit and watch the scenary roll by and, sometimes, the sun come up as we start our day in quiet.
One particular rider chooses to take his morning opportunity to mediate. I'm fascinated by him because I know that I don't quite have the gumption to openly and publicly meditate. I also don't have all the focus necessary to mediate through the dinging of stop requests, the lurching and swaying of the bus, etc. The people may be quiet but the bus sure isn't!
It's a really beautiful way to start a morning, though. And, it's just another example of how people can adapt their busy schedules and carve out that moment in Time and Space for themselves. I'm sure that he struggles internally with all the same things that most meditators struggle with but from the exterior he looks calm and serene. He doesn't fidget, twitch or give up. He just sits up straight and enjoys the ride to work lost (I imagine) in the quiet space of his mind and the moment.
I may be over-romanticising but it certainly looks like a beautiful way to spend a morning.
What do you do to take a moment for yourself during the day? Have you found a space where you can take a breath and get caught up in the present?
I am finding that even though I don't do any sort of traditional meditation on the ride in to work, the ride itself can be calming and relaxing. I don't have to worry about traffic or driving or how expensive gas is getting. I just sit back and let someone else do the work. And, I get to take that hour and nap, read, enjoy my coffee, whatever it is.
Now if they'd just let me bring some incense on the bus, I'd be set!
I'm going to leave you all with a thought from my Yoga instructor. He said that we have to strive to find our Truth and that one way of doing so is to think of ourselves and internally unfolding. He suggested visualizing a flower or, more creative and perhaps appropriate, a piece of Origami that is being unfolded from its shape to reveal a different beauty and structure.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Sorry for the delay.
I've been experiencing some technical mental difficulties.
Very stressful week and no amount of philosophy, psychology or indulgence can mitigate the effects. I am officially toast after all of the crazy.
I'll be returning to a more normal state once I can start parsing through some of these escapades. It's brought up some interesting things for me to mull over including but not limited to: time-management, my definition of trust and value as well as the tendency to feel resentment or frustration or pure hatred when it feels like you are consistantly getting screwed over by the Cosmos at large.
Anyway-I'm going to stop here before this blog turns into something that I detest-a dumping ground for ranting, raving and generally otherwise unproductive discussion.
Instead, I'll leave you all with this beautiful song: Karunesh
It's seven minutes of calm and beautiful music. I would recommend putting it on and then doing something that will allow you to just soak in the music and the rhythm.
Namaste. (c:
Very stressful week and no amount of philosophy, psychology or indulgence can mitigate the effects. I am officially toast after all of the crazy.
I'll be returning to a more normal state once I can start parsing through some of these escapades. It's brought up some interesting things for me to mull over including but not limited to: time-management, my definition of trust and value as well as the tendency to feel resentment or frustration or pure hatred when it feels like you are consistantly getting screwed over by the Cosmos at large.
Anyway-I'm going to stop here before this blog turns into something that I detest-a dumping ground for ranting, raving and generally otherwise unproductive discussion.
Instead, I'll leave you all with this beautiful song: Karunesh
It's seven minutes of calm and beautiful music. I would recommend putting it on and then doing something that will allow you to just soak in the music and the rhythm.
Namaste. (c:
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Another post on Resistance
I am currently stuck somewhere between "I don't wanna" and "I should" do what I need to do. It's an interesting form of resistance--I'm not confronting any major changes or having anything particularly intense or different demanded of me. No, what I'm resisting and fighting against is the urge for COMFORT.
Blame it on the weather-one day it's hot, one day it's cold, one day it's raining, one day it's...who knows what...but all of it makes me crave a certain level of comfort.
I find myself really wanting the savory sensation of eating warm, heavily spiced, hearty meals. I want cafe lattes and soy mochas that are piping hot and indulgent. I want to wear clothes that register first and foremost as comfortable.
Comfort is usually associated with soothing, in my mind. But I don't know what could use soothing. I am not hurt, sick or lonely. I'm not particularly overwhelmed. And yet, everything I do seems to be motivated by the desire to be comfortable, to relax, to not have to work as hard, all of these things.
I'm worried (there's that fear again) that this is going to become a trend. That I am going to slip further and further away from what I value--hard work, determination, innovation, experimentation, living in the now, all of those things that require you to be a little bit tough, a little bit stubborn and ok with living with things being not so comfortable or not so easy so you can make a difference.
Today is a good example of this: my car is broken down for the umpteenth time. So, yesterday I took the bus into work and rode my bike the 20 miles home. It was windy and cold and rainy but I did it. I did pretty well too.
Now, I'm an experienced cyclist so 20 miles isn't that big of a deal but the weather is definitely a force multiplier. It made it harder to motivate myself to get on the bike and get home instead of just taking a co-worker up on his offer to give me a ride home.
I'm confronted with a similar situation today. I took the bus in and I'm going to be riding home--assuming that I don't cave and call my friend to come get me. It's not raining today but it's cold out there and I just don't feel like doing it.
Should I ride home and save the carbon emissions? Yes. Will there be benefits? You betcha. It's great exercise, it's enjoyable, especially in certain areas and it's not a bad way to end the day.
But--I'm dealing with a lot of buts on this one. I have things that I'd like to do tonight and riding home takes a big chunk out of my evening. I am also feeling a little bit run down from my other exercise activities and frankly, I don't want to do it.
And thus the mental battle begins. Life isn't supposed to be easy, if you really think about it. We don't learn anything about our boundaries, our capabilities, anything if we don't push ourselves. Especially when we're whiny. If I were actually sick it would be one thing. But I'm not.
I know that unless it's really actually too cold out there to ride that I'm going to feel like a wimp or like I've let myself and other people down. Like I'm not good enough. Or whatever the sensation is--except that in my journey towards being more mindful and conscious I've been trying to digest the lessons of Tolerance, Gentleness, Patience.
But how much tolerance, gentleness and patience is too much? Where is the boundary drawn between doing what you should do and making yourself stronger and lacking mental fortitude and giving into laziness.
I don't know the answer to this question but I do know that I want to arrive at an answer or a compromise that will get me home safe and sound and will not result in any feelings, warrented or not, of guilt or inadequacy.
I'm trying to take it one moment at a time. The answer should be clear enough when I get outside.
It all just seems like an interesting parallel and a reoccurring theme in my life--the struggle between loving myself and nurturing myself and truly, truly listening to my body and what it needs and taking the easy way out.
There has to be a good solution out there and I feel like it has to start from within. I feel that it stems from being 100% confident in your decision-I have to erradicate guilt and feelings of self-worth from my playing field and really consider what I'm up against and what I'm not.
It's hard to accomplish this while I'm at work, but here goes!
Blame it on the weather-one day it's hot, one day it's cold, one day it's raining, one day it's...who knows what...but all of it makes me crave a certain level of comfort.
I find myself really wanting the savory sensation of eating warm, heavily spiced, hearty meals. I want cafe lattes and soy mochas that are piping hot and indulgent. I want to wear clothes that register first and foremost as comfortable.
Comfort is usually associated with soothing, in my mind. But I don't know what could use soothing. I am not hurt, sick or lonely. I'm not particularly overwhelmed. And yet, everything I do seems to be motivated by the desire to be comfortable, to relax, to not have to work as hard, all of these things.
I'm worried (there's that fear again) that this is going to become a trend. That I am going to slip further and further away from what I value--hard work, determination, innovation, experimentation, living in the now, all of those things that require you to be a little bit tough, a little bit stubborn and ok with living with things being not so comfortable or not so easy so you can make a difference.
Today is a good example of this: my car is broken down for the umpteenth time. So, yesterday I took the bus into work and rode my bike the 20 miles home. It was windy and cold and rainy but I did it. I did pretty well too.
Now, I'm an experienced cyclist so 20 miles isn't that big of a deal but the weather is definitely a force multiplier. It made it harder to motivate myself to get on the bike and get home instead of just taking a co-worker up on his offer to give me a ride home.
I'm confronted with a similar situation today. I took the bus in and I'm going to be riding home--assuming that I don't cave and call my friend to come get me. It's not raining today but it's cold out there and I just don't feel like doing it.
Should I ride home and save the carbon emissions? Yes. Will there be benefits? You betcha. It's great exercise, it's enjoyable, especially in certain areas and it's not a bad way to end the day.
But--I'm dealing with a lot of buts on this one. I have things that I'd like to do tonight and riding home takes a big chunk out of my evening. I am also feeling a little bit run down from my other exercise activities and frankly, I don't want to do it.
And thus the mental battle begins. Life isn't supposed to be easy, if you really think about it. We don't learn anything about our boundaries, our capabilities, anything if we don't push ourselves. Especially when we're whiny. If I were actually sick it would be one thing. But I'm not.
I know that unless it's really actually too cold out there to ride that I'm going to feel like a wimp or like I've let myself and other people down. Like I'm not good enough. Or whatever the sensation is--except that in my journey towards being more mindful and conscious I've been trying to digest the lessons of Tolerance, Gentleness, Patience.
But how much tolerance, gentleness and patience is too much? Where is the boundary drawn between doing what you should do and making yourself stronger and lacking mental fortitude and giving into laziness.
I don't know the answer to this question but I do know that I want to arrive at an answer or a compromise that will get me home safe and sound and will not result in any feelings, warrented or not, of guilt or inadequacy.
I'm trying to take it one moment at a time. The answer should be clear enough when I get outside.
It all just seems like an interesting parallel and a reoccurring theme in my life--the struggle between loving myself and nurturing myself and truly, truly listening to my body and what it needs and taking the easy way out.
There has to be a good solution out there and I feel like it has to start from within. I feel that it stems from being 100% confident in your decision-I have to erradicate guilt and feelings of self-worth from my playing field and really consider what I'm up against and what I'm not.
It's hard to accomplish this while I'm at work, but here goes!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Just a quick share of a great article
I really enjoy Sally Kempton's articles and I wanted to repost this one. I feel like it's really timely given my latest ramblings.
Accepting Resistance
Might be more from the vaults later-busy day!
Accepting Resistance
Might be more from the vaults later-busy day!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
A mantra for the moment
I've been in a strange energy space the past few days. It's not a bad thing, it's just not where I'm used to being. I don't know what is at the root of it but I feel like it's happening for a reason. I've been mentally busy trying to figure out the best way to approach the projects that I have going on at the moment. This is pretty typical for me seeing as I am always...always...always...over-committed. (c:
Some of us just really like running around like crazy people all the time. I promise. Or, we're masochists.
One of the hardest things about being over-committed is that I tend to forget all of the things that I've agreed to do and am only reminded when my phone alarm starts squawking at me for seemingly no reason at all in the middle of my work day, or I get a phone call from someone that seems to think that they know me and that I agreed to meet them somewhere...usually 10 minutes after I was supposed to be there.
All of this leads to some really great shoot-from-the-hip Improv on my part. If only I was that clever in real time.
So-in light of all of these Things I Have To Do I've chosen a mantra that is about self-respect, love, light and-ultimately-calming. It's a more commonly used and heard mantra but it seems appropriate since I'm feeling a bit wrung out and yet filled to the brim with unrealized Potential.
Om Tare Tuttare Ture Svaha.
You may have heard it before-there are some really beautiful versions of it out there that have been put to music. Deva Premal does one of my favorites. The guitar accompaniment is just so sweet and lyrical it seems perfect.
This is a mantra that is associated with and often said "to" Tare-which is a Bodhisattva of compassion. But, the gem of this mantra is that it can't really be translated. It holds a certain meaning or understanding of spiritual deliverance and release from the secular ties that bind-greed, hatred, etc.
I'm not a huge fan of delving into the argument as to which is better or more "right"-this world or the one that we can strive to reach via Nirvana-but I do really love the idea of being spiritually delivered, even if only on a small scale, from a place of bound energy to a place of free energy. A space where the soul can take a deep breath and simply sit. A place where it can be still and find quiet.
I was thinking about memory the other day and the space that it takes up in our mind and how we are always growing and changing but that memories stay with us. The truth is that memories are proteins-physical pathways and things that have been written in our gray matter. It's a beautiful concept really to think that people and places that we remember are actually physical things but that need our Spirit or Mind or whatever you want to call it, to be decoded.
None of that has anything directly to do with this mantra or this moment but it is a cool perspective to consider our minds and the things that they mull over and how and why. It's also an interesting way to consider the value that we place on things, mentally speaking.
While I was at Shoshoni Yoga Retreat I learned about the power of Svaha. We were sitting at the early morning Fire Pudja Ceremony and we were chanting and saying Svahas. I wasn't quite on board with it all but now, every time I hear it, I think about throwing all of the gathered energy around my heart center into the fire. It's done as an offering and as a way of purification. I think, for this mantra, it should be considered as a means of offering-offering yourself and your energy into the Universe. Letting it go for the time being and then waiting for it to come back to you as something more complete or just as it is and was, but as a gift this time. A part of you returning home.
I have a hard time with the idea that "we" or "our" energy is bad or impure and that it needs cleansing or changing--sometimes it just needs to be released and to have the freedom to wander and then come back to us. I feel that the only thing "wrong" with our energy sometimes is that it s limited to only us and that it needs to be shared amongst others.
Anyway-enjoy the mantra. Here is Deva Premal's beautiful rendition.
Namaste!
Some of us just really like running around like crazy people all the time. I promise. Or, we're masochists.
One of the hardest things about being over-committed is that I tend to forget all of the things that I've agreed to do and am only reminded when my phone alarm starts squawking at me for seemingly no reason at all in the middle of my work day, or I get a phone call from someone that seems to think that they know me and that I agreed to meet them somewhere...usually 10 minutes after I was supposed to be there.
All of this leads to some really great shoot-from-the-hip Improv on my part. If only I was that clever in real time.
So-in light of all of these Things I Have To Do I've chosen a mantra that is about self-respect, love, light and-ultimately-calming. It's a more commonly used and heard mantra but it seems appropriate since I'm feeling a bit wrung out and yet filled to the brim with unrealized Potential.
Om Tare Tuttare Ture Svaha.
You may have heard it before-there are some really beautiful versions of it out there that have been put to music. Deva Premal does one of my favorites. The guitar accompaniment is just so sweet and lyrical it seems perfect.
This is a mantra that is associated with and often said "to" Tare-which is a Bodhisattva of compassion. But, the gem of this mantra is that it can't really be translated. It holds a certain meaning or understanding of spiritual deliverance and release from the secular ties that bind-greed, hatred, etc.
I'm not a huge fan of delving into the argument as to which is better or more "right"-this world or the one that we can strive to reach via Nirvana-but I do really love the idea of being spiritually delivered, even if only on a small scale, from a place of bound energy to a place of free energy. A space where the soul can take a deep breath and simply sit. A place where it can be still and find quiet.
I was thinking about memory the other day and the space that it takes up in our mind and how we are always growing and changing but that memories stay with us. The truth is that memories are proteins-physical pathways and things that have been written in our gray matter. It's a beautiful concept really to think that people and places that we remember are actually physical things but that need our Spirit or Mind or whatever you want to call it, to be decoded.
None of that has anything directly to do with this mantra or this moment but it is a cool perspective to consider our minds and the things that they mull over and how and why. It's also an interesting way to consider the value that we place on things, mentally speaking.
While I was at Shoshoni Yoga Retreat I learned about the power of Svaha. We were sitting at the early morning Fire Pudja Ceremony and we were chanting and saying Svahas. I wasn't quite on board with it all but now, every time I hear it, I think about throwing all of the gathered energy around my heart center into the fire. It's done as an offering and as a way of purification. I think, for this mantra, it should be considered as a means of offering-offering yourself and your energy into the Universe. Letting it go for the time being and then waiting for it to come back to you as something more complete or just as it is and was, but as a gift this time. A part of you returning home.
I have a hard time with the idea that "we" or "our" energy is bad or impure and that it needs cleansing or changing--sometimes it just needs to be released and to have the freedom to wander and then come back to us. I feel that the only thing "wrong" with our energy sometimes is that it s limited to only us and that it needs to be shared amongst others.
Anyway-enjoy the mantra. Here is Deva Premal's beautiful rendition.
Namaste!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Samskaras and a cycle of fear
The other night I was in my studio working on one of the hundred projects on my plate and Loreena McKennitt's "Dante's Prayer" began playing. This is, hands down, is one of my favorite songs.
You can find it here, if you'd like. I'll wait.
One of the lines that always haunts me is "..lift this mortal veil of fear" among many others-but this one stands out to me every time. It's such a common thing that people live with everyday-we talk about it in everything we do. The fear of the unknown, of how much money we're going to spend on a given item, the possibility that gas will rise again and again, all of it is expressed in terms of fear. If you don't believe me, listen to yourself the next time you say "I'm afraid of...(insert seemingly mundane thing here)".
I do this a lot.
Most of the time, it's not to express something that I'm actually afraid of but a set pattern of language use. For example, I will say things like "I'm afraid of what I'm going to find when I get home, I forgot to do the dishes this morning." Or "Yeah, but it scares me to think of what will happen if I fall off of the mountain bike"...etc. etc.
Am I actually afraid of my kitchen? No. (At least not most times hehe)
What I mean to express is a sense of discomfort or chagrin brought on my by own inaction. Am I truly, actually afraid of what will happen if I try this thing and fail when I'm on my mountain bike? Maybe-I'm arguably afraid of the pain or the idea of embarassing myself but it's different than actual Fight or Flight fear. What I am is nervous, anxious, uncertain. All of those are equally valid emotions but I feel that we tend to wrap them up under this veil of fear, to borrow the phrase.
I believe that how we speak and the way that we speak dictates a lot of how we think and what we believe-look at the effect that mantra, constant negativity, the idea of self-talk, historical concepts of witchcraft and incantations play and have played in our lives and our cultural foundation.
So, I'm going to aim to start changing my language. I'm hoping that through doing so I can begin to change my perspective on things and re-awaken some of that fearless child-brain that we lose sight of as we grow into "adulthood".
I value, above all else, the ability to keep learning. I value this so much that I turn an entirely blind-eye to research and researchers that preach the ridiculous adage "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" I get downright mad about it!
Could this anger I feel be stemming from a place of true fear of losing an element of myself that I value? Probably, but it doesn't change my stance.
We are creatures who are built, designed, engineered, created, whatever term you like, to learn and we can't do that if we're afraid of every new possibility or failure that awaits us around the corner.
Therefore-I am working on turning my mindfulness towards changing my language and my approach to new concepts.
This means not being afraid of my own feelings towards a specific thing-I have to be able to face the emotions that I experience when confronted with new things and process them as individual emotions, instead of lumping them under "fear" and trying to plow ahead.
Aside from dealing with and countering the "fear" reaction when it arises in a given situation, I find that I need to work on the value that Fear represents in my life as a whole. Sometimes, when I sit down to meditate I'm afraid of what will happen.
More specifically, I'm afraid that nothing will happen. I'm afraid that I'm going to waste my time sitting on this little square in the middle of a room with all these lofty ideas about what I'm going to accomplish and being met with a big, empty space of Nothing.
But it very rarely happens that way. I may not accomplish everything I set out to accomplish, but that's part of letting go of The Meditator. Instead, I am generally met with at least a sense of mental relaxation. It doesn't always have to be epic. I have to remind myself of this. And, if I am met with a stonewall of rigid energy, that's nothing to be afraid of. It's just a sign that perhaps I need to do something else and come back to it at a later date.
The idea of being face to face with my deepest, darkest particulars is also intimidating. But, without them, all the beauty and light within me would be missed as well.
So-here's to changing our patterns or Samskaras and learning to banish fear from our vocabulary when it does not suit us!
You can find it here, if you'd like. I'll wait.
One of the lines that always haunts me is "..lift this mortal veil of fear" among many others-but this one stands out to me every time. It's such a common thing that people live with everyday-we talk about it in everything we do. The fear of the unknown, of how much money we're going to spend on a given item, the possibility that gas will rise again and again, all of it is expressed in terms of fear. If you don't believe me, listen to yourself the next time you say "I'm afraid of...(insert seemingly mundane thing here)".
I do this a lot.
Most of the time, it's not to express something that I'm actually afraid of but a set pattern of language use. For example, I will say things like "I'm afraid of what I'm going to find when I get home, I forgot to do the dishes this morning." Or "Yeah, but it scares me to think of what will happen if I fall off of the mountain bike"...etc. etc.
Am I actually afraid of my kitchen? No. (At least not most times hehe)
What I mean to express is a sense of discomfort or chagrin brought on my by own inaction. Am I truly, actually afraid of what will happen if I try this thing and fail when I'm on my mountain bike? Maybe-I'm arguably afraid of the pain or the idea of embarassing myself but it's different than actual Fight or Flight fear. What I am is nervous, anxious, uncertain. All of those are equally valid emotions but I feel that we tend to wrap them up under this veil of fear, to borrow the phrase.
I believe that how we speak and the way that we speak dictates a lot of how we think and what we believe-look at the effect that mantra, constant negativity, the idea of self-talk, historical concepts of witchcraft and incantations play and have played in our lives and our cultural foundation.
So, I'm going to aim to start changing my language. I'm hoping that through doing so I can begin to change my perspective on things and re-awaken some of that fearless child-brain that we lose sight of as we grow into "adulthood".
I value, above all else, the ability to keep learning. I value this so much that I turn an entirely blind-eye to research and researchers that preach the ridiculous adage "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" I get downright mad about it!
Could this anger I feel be stemming from a place of true fear of losing an element of myself that I value? Probably, but it doesn't change my stance.
We are creatures who are built, designed, engineered, created, whatever term you like, to learn and we can't do that if we're afraid of every new possibility or failure that awaits us around the corner.
Therefore-I am working on turning my mindfulness towards changing my language and my approach to new concepts.
This means not being afraid of my own feelings towards a specific thing-I have to be able to face the emotions that I experience when confronted with new things and process them as individual emotions, instead of lumping them under "fear" and trying to plow ahead.
Aside from dealing with and countering the "fear" reaction when it arises in a given situation, I find that I need to work on the value that Fear represents in my life as a whole. Sometimes, when I sit down to meditate I'm afraid of what will happen.
More specifically, I'm afraid that nothing will happen. I'm afraid that I'm going to waste my time sitting on this little square in the middle of a room with all these lofty ideas about what I'm going to accomplish and being met with a big, empty space of Nothing.
But it very rarely happens that way. I may not accomplish everything I set out to accomplish, but that's part of letting go of The Meditator. Instead, I am generally met with at least a sense of mental relaxation. It doesn't always have to be epic. I have to remind myself of this. And, if I am met with a stonewall of rigid energy, that's nothing to be afraid of. It's just a sign that perhaps I need to do something else and come back to it at a later date.
The idea of being face to face with my deepest, darkest particulars is also intimidating. But, without them, all the beauty and light within me would be missed as well.
So-here's to changing our patterns or Samskaras and learning to banish fear from our vocabulary when it does not suit us!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Eating Elephants
So, we've all heard the "one problem at a time" adage. It's one of my personal favorites-mainly because I always need to be reminded that if I try to take on everything, all at once, and with zero direction...I will end up in a total disaster. There's always this voice in my head that argues with this "one problem at a time" decision...it's like the whiny little kid at the grocery store that everyone has just given up on that just really, really, wants the new toy...the kind that make you think putting kids in trashcans with sound proof lids should definitely be legalized.
Anyway-a version of this kid lives in my head and throws an epic tempertantrum every time I try to approach something...simply. I don't know why I offer such a fantastic resistance to a what is obviously a much more logical approach.
Habit, perhaps.
Habit, perhaps.
I think I've found a new perspective on my beloved "one problem at a time" mantra-one that won't set the whiny kid in my head off into another useless and stress-inducing fit of rage.
It goes simply like this: "it's not that hard to eat an elephant".
So when I heard this the first time, my brain did one of those "huh?" moments where you heard what the person said but it doesn't really compute and then you figure that you didn't hear them right so you ask, "huh?". But no, I had heard correctly. It's not that hard to eat an elephant. And what's more, regardless of whether you start at the trunk or the tail the whole elephant is going to be right there, waiting to be eaten, one bite at a time.
So when I heard this the first time, my brain did one of those "huh?" moments where you heard what the person said but it doesn't really compute and then you figure that you didn't hear them right so you ask, "huh?". But no, I had heard correctly. It's not that hard to eat an elephant. And what's more, regardless of whether you start at the trunk or the tail the whole elephant is going to be right there, waiting to be eaten, one bite at a time.
I think I have officially scared off any children who may have been listening in, waiting for their moment to strike!
It's so true, though. When you're faced with an entire elephant that needs to be eaten, there's only one way to do it-one bite at a time using the resources you have.
It's a bit gruesome, if you really picture eating an elephant one bite at a time, hide and all, but it makes a cliched concept into something that is practically tangible. It also speaks to one of these great concepts in life that I am so bad at sometimes. It implies that all you have to do is start eating. You have to make a choice and simply do something. No action worse than inaction and all that jazz. Again, so astoundingly simple and yet so hard to implement when your guts are all tied up with the stress and pressure of EVERYTHING that is building and demanding attention.
All of this could be greatly reduced if I could learn to say no...which I'm working on...but it's one of those things that I am just not hard-wired to do. I love opportunities and projects and engagements and all of those things. And, I hate paying for or missing out on things that I know I could do myself or, dare I say, do better than that other person...and so I take on all of these projects. They come in many shapes and forms and they all take me farther away from the more peaceful, mindful life I want to live.
Which, occassionally feels like a full time job in and of itself. The journey of being mindful threatens to consume me. Which is ironic if I think about it. Isn't it supposed to free me?
All I know is that currently on my plate is a really big elephant that needs to be eaten. One bite at a time. No souffles, no food processors...just me and my resources to get me through this stage of things.
I guess I should get to chewing.
All of this could be greatly reduced if I could learn to say no...which I'm working on...but it's one of those things that I am just not hard-wired to do. I love opportunities and projects and engagements and all of those things. And, I hate paying for or missing out on things that I know I could do myself or, dare I say, do better than that other person...and so I take on all of these projects. They come in many shapes and forms and they all take me farther away from the more peaceful, mindful life I want to live.
Which, occassionally feels like a full time job in and of itself. The journey of being mindful threatens to consume me. Which is ironic if I think about it. Isn't it supposed to free me?
All I know is that currently on my plate is a really big elephant that needs to be eaten. One bite at a time. No souffles, no food processors...just me and my resources to get me through this stage of things.
I guess I should get to chewing.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
and the mantra of the day is...
Om Vakrantundaya Hum.
I've been catching myself chanting this a lot on my drive to work. My radio is broken in my car and I've decided that driving with one earbud in, trying to listen to my MP3 player is a super bad idea. And, it doesn't do any of the music justice if you can't hear it in surround sound!
So, on some mornings I've taken to chanting while driving. It's about a 20 minute commute and it gives me something to do. I've also noticed that it seems to help keep me focused on just driving instead of getting so caught up in the frustrations of having to deal with Other Drivers.
Other Drivers are the ones that we all know and love who just make us so damn mad when we're driving. At least, they can really get to me. Especially when I haven't planned ahead like I should have or am dealing with too many things on my plate to care about someone else's well-being and Karmic consequences.
This particular mantra is related to Ganesh-the symbol of breaking down barriers and a really wonderful figure in Hindu spirituality. He is the one-tusked elephant and he's my personal favorite because I find that I am always running into some sort of road block-creative, emotional, communicative. It was first introduced in the Ganesh Purana, one of the Vedic texts.
I heard this mantra at a Yoga Retreat at the Shoshoni Ashram. A lot of what was being practiced there was over my head and a little out of my comfort zone (it was my first time at an Ashram and boy is it different!) but it really resonated within me.
So, on particularly slow drives into work or ones where it just doesn't feel like it's gearing up to be my day, I chant. I'm sure Other Drivers think I'm crazy, but I'm too busy trying to keep track of how many repetitions of the mantra I've done to really worry about.
Another thing I discovered while at the Ashram was the automatic sense of calm that chanting brings to me-it's like the best of both worlds! I get to talk and meditate at the same time?!?! Awesome! Sign me up! It's a way for me to interact with my environment, both externally and internally, while still cultivating some of that much sought after peace.
I'm hoping that as I continue down this path that I seem to be on that I'll discover more resonant mantras.
Until then, just look for the girl who seems to be talking to herself while driving down the road. It might be me!
I've been catching myself chanting this a lot on my drive to work. My radio is broken in my car and I've decided that driving with one earbud in, trying to listen to my MP3 player is a super bad idea. And, it doesn't do any of the music justice if you can't hear it in surround sound!
So, on some mornings I've taken to chanting while driving. It's about a 20 minute commute and it gives me something to do. I've also noticed that it seems to help keep me focused on just driving instead of getting so caught up in the frustrations of having to deal with Other Drivers.
Other Drivers are the ones that we all know and love who just make us so damn mad when we're driving. At least, they can really get to me. Especially when I haven't planned ahead like I should have or am dealing with too many things on my plate to care about someone else's well-being and Karmic consequences.
This particular mantra is related to Ganesh-the symbol of breaking down barriers and a really wonderful figure in Hindu spirituality. He is the one-tusked elephant and he's my personal favorite because I find that I am always running into some sort of road block-creative, emotional, communicative. It was first introduced in the Ganesh Purana, one of the Vedic texts.
I heard this mantra at a Yoga Retreat at the Shoshoni Ashram. A lot of what was being practiced there was over my head and a little out of my comfort zone (it was my first time at an Ashram and boy is it different!) but it really resonated within me.
So, on particularly slow drives into work or ones where it just doesn't feel like it's gearing up to be my day, I chant. I'm sure Other Drivers think I'm crazy, but I'm too busy trying to keep track of how many repetitions of the mantra I've done to really worry about.
Another thing I discovered while at the Ashram was the automatic sense of calm that chanting brings to me-it's like the best of both worlds! I get to talk and meditate at the same time?!?! Awesome! Sign me up! It's a way for me to interact with my environment, both externally and internally, while still cultivating some of that much sought after peace.
I'm hoping that as I continue down this path that I seem to be on that I'll discover more resonant mantras.
Until then, just look for the girl who seems to be talking to herself while driving down the road. It might be me!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Finding Stillness or The only way to make a To Do list.
The morning light comes through my living room windows as the sun rises over the city. It's quiet. The world that exists outside my apartment is just beginning to wake up. The mood is perfect for some self-reflection.
I jump out of bed, dress warmly but comfortably and step onto my meditation mat. I take a seat, arrange myself and sink into the softness of my own mind.
Right.
So, what actually happens is I drag myself, kicking and screaming so to speak out of my warm bed. I dress myself in a ridiculous hodge podge of layers in an attempt to recreate a walking comforter. I would be happier if I could just wear my bed. I sit down on my meditation mat, which is in "my spot" in the middle of the living room and I tell myself that I am in it for the long haul. An entire 15 minutes of stillness!
Except that I am a wiggly, squirmy, bouncy creature. I never stop moving, even when I'm still. My boyfriend has dubbed a particularly common version of my bouncing as the "larissa dance". It refers to any time when I am standing around, waiting for something-dinner, the bathroom, the coffeepot to finish doing whatever it does to make me my morning brew-and I begin to pedal my legs back and forth....like walking in place without actually picking up my feet. It's not a big movement but it is my notorious movement!
It's not that I can't sit still-I can. It just takes a concerted mental effort to remain that way. So, I sit down on my mat, ready to face my challenge. I sit tall out of the base of my spine, I press my sitz bones down into the mat. I pull my arms back, elbows tucked in and I close my eyes. I breathe. I count my breathing. I get distracted and forget where I was in my counting so I start over. I start to relax.
And that's where my Monkey Mind kicks in. Now I am not physically moving, I am mentally moving. It is a constant struggle between the list I am compiling in my head of the things that I have to do or where I need to go, or all the ways in which I am very clearly not Meditating and reminding myself that I'm supposed to be relaxing and breathing. Oh yeah, breathing. Wasn't I counting those breaths?
And so we start again.
Sounds miserable, right? It is and it isn't. I have a wonderful yoga teacher who tells us to "let go of The Meditator" (which, by the way, in my mind wears a cape and looks very much like a silly super-hero). His advice is sound: let go of that person in your head that is holding out for that magic moment when Meditation happens. Stop trying to Meditate and simply sit and be. In whatever state that is. Attempt to calm that monkey-mind chatter. If it doesn't work, so what? You've still got 10 minutes to get it figured out.
The struggle makes me want to give up. I think I'd find more success just making a stiff drink and calling it quits. The problem, however, is that I have had moments of bliss and calm--I have had a taste of that seductive flame that is a good, solid, meditational moment. The kind that truly soothes your soul, takes you outside of your own body and mind and leaves you feeling clean and calm and very, very capable.
I usually have mornings like the one I described above, though. And yet I keep trying. I know it's out there. I know that I'm out there. Waiting to be tapped into, I just have to let myself go.
At least, that's what I believe. That's what I've been told and that is what resonates within me in those rare moments between running and larissa dancing and doing laundry and working and Doing.
I am having an entire Monkey Day today it seems. As I write this I am tapping my foot to the music in the background, typing a million words a minute it seems and thinking about all of the other things that I should/could be doing with the precious little time that I have remaining to myself today.
The beautiful thing about meditation, even and maybe especially, a failed meditation (if we believe that such a thing truly exists) is that it is time that was spent on nothing but me. It was my moment, that I set aside and did something with that will help me connect with all my potential. Even if all I accomplish in those 15 minutes is a huge To Do list and some slightly restrained fidgeting, it is my moment to do with as I see fit.
I jump out of bed, dress warmly but comfortably and step onto my meditation mat. I take a seat, arrange myself and sink into the softness of my own mind.
Right.
So, what actually happens is I drag myself, kicking and screaming so to speak out of my warm bed. I dress myself in a ridiculous hodge podge of layers in an attempt to recreate a walking comforter. I would be happier if I could just wear my bed. I sit down on my meditation mat, which is in "my spot" in the middle of the living room and I tell myself that I am in it for the long haul. An entire 15 minutes of stillness!
Except that I am a wiggly, squirmy, bouncy creature. I never stop moving, even when I'm still. My boyfriend has dubbed a particularly common version of my bouncing as the "larissa dance". It refers to any time when I am standing around, waiting for something-dinner, the bathroom, the coffeepot to finish doing whatever it does to make me my morning brew-and I begin to pedal my legs back and forth....like walking in place without actually picking up my feet. It's not a big movement but it is my notorious movement!
It's not that I can't sit still-I can. It just takes a concerted mental effort to remain that way. So, I sit down on my mat, ready to face my challenge. I sit tall out of the base of my spine, I press my sitz bones down into the mat. I pull my arms back, elbows tucked in and I close my eyes. I breathe. I count my breathing. I get distracted and forget where I was in my counting so I start over. I start to relax.
And that's where my Monkey Mind kicks in. Now I am not physically moving, I am mentally moving. It is a constant struggle between the list I am compiling in my head of the things that I have to do or where I need to go, or all the ways in which I am very clearly not Meditating and reminding myself that I'm supposed to be relaxing and breathing. Oh yeah, breathing. Wasn't I counting those breaths?
And so we start again.
Sounds miserable, right? It is and it isn't. I have a wonderful yoga teacher who tells us to "let go of The Meditator" (which, by the way, in my mind wears a cape and looks very much like a silly super-hero). His advice is sound: let go of that person in your head that is holding out for that magic moment when Meditation happens. Stop trying to Meditate and simply sit and be. In whatever state that is. Attempt to calm that monkey-mind chatter. If it doesn't work, so what? You've still got 10 minutes to get it figured out.
The struggle makes me want to give up. I think I'd find more success just making a stiff drink and calling it quits. The problem, however, is that I have had moments of bliss and calm--I have had a taste of that seductive flame that is a good, solid, meditational moment. The kind that truly soothes your soul, takes you outside of your own body and mind and leaves you feeling clean and calm and very, very capable.
I usually have mornings like the one I described above, though. And yet I keep trying. I know it's out there. I know that I'm out there. Waiting to be tapped into, I just have to let myself go.
At least, that's what I believe. That's what I've been told and that is what resonates within me in those rare moments between running and larissa dancing and doing laundry and working and Doing.
I am having an entire Monkey Day today it seems. As I write this I am tapping my foot to the music in the background, typing a million words a minute it seems and thinking about all of the other things that I should/could be doing with the precious little time that I have remaining to myself today.
The beautiful thing about meditation, even and maybe especially, a failed meditation (if we believe that such a thing truly exists) is that it is time that was spent on nothing but me. It was my moment, that I set aside and did something with that will help me connect with all my potential. Even if all I accomplish in those 15 minutes is a huge To Do list and some slightly restrained fidgeting, it is my moment to do with as I see fit.
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